Mesut was pretty sure that waking up while someone attempted to murder you in your sleep and responding by immediately punching the intruder in the face was at least a semi-sensible strategy, but the vampire standing in front of him appeared to disagree.
“Ow! What are you playing at!?”
“Who are you?!”
“That really hurt! Am I bleeding?” The creature tipped its head back to show him the underside of its nose – the skin was unmarred, as pale as the rest of its face.
“What are you doing in my house?!”
“No, really. I think I’m bleeding. I can feel blood. Is there blood?”
“No, there’s no blood! Can vampires even bleed? Are you here to kill me?!”
“How do you know I’m a vampire?”
“Your skin is completely white, you’re wearing a cloak and I can literally see your fangs. Will you please explain why you’re here?!”
The creature looked offended, finally letting go of its nose and frowning at Mesut.
It seemed to forget its supposed pain quickly as the shock of the blow wore off. “Those are pretty offensive stereotypes.
Sharp teeth and pale skin don’t make me a monster.”
“Are you telling me that you’re not a vampire trying to suck my blood?”
“Well, yes, I am a vampire, and I am here to suck your blood. I’m just saying you should be more careful with your assumptions.”
Upon hearing the confirmation of the creature’s intentions, Mesut pulled his fist back once more, ready to land another blow.
He didn’t know it was possible for a man with completely white skin to blanch, but the vampire somehow managed it. “Woah, Woah Woah! I think we got off on the wrong foot here. Can we put a pin in the violence for a minute?”
“You just told me you were here to kill me!”
“Okay, yes, good point. I did do that. Obviously, I wasn’t expecting you to wake up.
Three hundred years I’ve had this gig and not once has a victim noticed me before I bit them. You really threw a spanner in the works, mister.”
Mesut shook his head, utterly bemused by the sight of a classic fairy-tale monster standing in front of him and looking nothing short of sheepish. He let his fist drop to his side, useless.
“Thank you. Now, I’m just going to go on my merry way, so perhaps we can just chalk this encounter up as a weird night for both of us and never speak of it again.”
“You’re not going to kill me?”
“Frankly, child, I’m more scared of you killing me.” With that, its figure began to slowly shrink and blacken, wings forming from what were once humanoid limbs.
“Wait!” cried Mesut, unwilling to let this conversation end with so many questions left hanging.
The transformation halted, the vampire hovering as a half-bat-half-human monstrosity.
It raised an eyebrow at him, though the effect was diminished somewhat by the fact that its head was three times smaller than its body.
When it spoke, the words were legible but slightly garbled, as if the tongue was as stuck between the two states as the rest of it. “Yes?”
“Aren’t you, like, super strong?”
“I’m allergic to sunlight, boy. How much vitamin D do you think I get on any given day?”
“Not very much.”
“Right. How strongly do you think my bones are, then?”
“Now you’re getting it. Plus, we only drink the blood that’s already been around your body.
The dark, rich stuff. The freshly pumped juice is just way too salty. Gotta wait for your body to dilute it.
It takes all the salt out when the blood goes round to your brain, but it also takes out all the other vitamins. I’m kind of deficient in everything.”
“Right… okay, bu-”
“Plus, your blood is full of cholesterol! My diet is basically nothing but milkshakes, it’s a walking nightmare.”
“I see. That’s… actually really sad. Can you not eat anything else? Is it just garlic you can’t stomach?”
“It’s all food. No nutrients, no sunlight, and we spend half our lives inside coffins. You’re really that surprised that we’re no good in a fight?”
“I suppose it makes sense. Are you… alright? Can I do anything? It just seems like your life must be kind of awful.”
Mesut wasn’t sure when he had begun to feel sympathy for the creature before him, but there was no denying that it cut a pretty pathetic figure.
Realizing that its paleness was less evidence of some undead magic and more of it just being anemic kind of put a new perspective on things.
The vampire looked up hopefully, its eyes wide in a way that would almost be cute if it were fully human or fully bat, but which was instead purely horrifying. “You could let me suck your blood?”
“Something besides that. I could get you some supplements, or something? Like from a doctor?”
At this point, the vampire rolled its eyes, shifting its form back into its previous humanoid configuration. “Pills are like food. Can’t swallow them. It’s got to be blood.”
“I get you. Hey, what’s your name? I’m Mesut.”
“Yes, I know, I saw your driving license when I went through your wallet. I’m Rafael.”
“You went through my wallet?”
“Yes. Crypt decorations don’t pay for themselves. Oh, that reminds me-” it threw a handful of notes in Mesut’s direction.
They fluttered to the ground, spreading out under the influence of the breeze. “You’ll be wanting those back, I guess.”
“Yes, I want those back! Are you kidding me? You stole from me?”
“I was going to kill you! You weren’t going to need it.”
“This is ridiculous. You have got to find a better business model than attacking people stronger than you, hoping they don’t wake up, and pickpocketing them.”
“Well, when you put it like that, it sounds ridiculous.”
“Get out of my apartment.”
“Nobody would believe me.”
“You won’t tell anyone about this, right?”
“You have my gratitude, Mesut. In your hour of need, the protection of the Vampires will be on your side.” With that, the creature morphed fully into a bat, fluttering out of the window from whence it came.
Mesut sighed. “I think I’d be better off without it.”
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